If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
barbara was highly relatable
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“Huge”.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
pizza
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.