If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
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Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
relationship goals
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.