If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Check out the legs on this baby
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff