If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
B
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?