If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
You Might Also Like
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.