Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?