Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

reduce, reuse, recycle

*sewing*

A thread

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Hmm 🧐