If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Saturday
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I wish this was real life…
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.