Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.