Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much