If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.