Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

my mind

You just read my mind

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

So, can we agree on 4 or

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.