If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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At least he brought enough for everyone
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
we’re dead?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster