Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

Can confirm.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

my lower back watching me try to live my life

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.