Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya