If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
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Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude鈥檚 wife and I said no I鈥檓 his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I鈥檒l take you camping.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who鈥檚 been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
#Caturday
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.