Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.