if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Weirdos gonna weird.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
seems like a niche market
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism