if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?