if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*updates tinder bio*
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.