“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
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Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
this isn’t threatening at all
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.