“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
You Might Also Like
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
British people
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”