If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Body by burrito
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment