If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
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When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
