If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
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My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My boss called in sick of me
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
