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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Thank you 🥹
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.