If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
You Might Also Like
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.