Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

secret recipe

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

How to wake up a Beagle

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.