If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.