If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
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I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.