If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
me linking you to my twitter
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
“I FIXED IT!”
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought