If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
how it started vs how it ended
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: