If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
bias laundering edition
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?