White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Before I accept a new job I always ask where my statue will be erected.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
God: I need an Ark built.
*Jesus lowers sunglasses*
Jesus: I Noah guy.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger
The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.