*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.