@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die

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@curlycomedy

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

@CoolCamel69

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

@transvagmesh

God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@Phook75

I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

@jwoodham

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.