If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Life with a cat in one tweet
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.