If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
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Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
