if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
You Might Also Like
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
The booster protects against what, now?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Me sliding into hell like
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round