If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
📽️movie date🎞️
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
This forever.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.