If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one