If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit