Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please