Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.