If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
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The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I unironically love this joke.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks