If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
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sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
…..pretty much.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout