If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
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nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious