If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
me: my friends:
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I’m not wrong
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Woke up against my better judgement again
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.