If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent