If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.


I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?


On the way in a fox ran across the road ahead of me…I slowed down pretty quick cuz i knew a bunch of English dudes on horses were next…


I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn’t appreciate my humor.

That’s the last time I’ll do a eulogy.


Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.


BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old


My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.


Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!

*eye twitches