@stupidityHQ

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

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@bingowings14

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@Papa_Mex

On the way in a fox ran across the road ahead of me…I slowed down pretty quick cuz i knew a bunch of English dudes on horses were next…

@BradBroaddus

I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn’t appreciate my humor.

That’s the last time I’ll do a eulogy.

@UncleDuke1969

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

@DanMentos

BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@BoomBoomBetty

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

@poizngrl

Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!

*eye twitches