If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again