Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

#polloftheday

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.