Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening