Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

asked my bf how work was today

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

I need this for my side hustle.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.