Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Good advice.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”