Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.