Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.