If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)