Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

What’s a Messi?

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.