Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

going to the ER y’all need anything

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

I’d hang this in my house.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late