Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish this was real life…

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.