If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
house sitting!
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: