If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn