If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Give us this day our daily internet validation
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .