If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
How animals would run if they were human
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG