If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint