Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

☠️ ☠️

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up