if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.