if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper