if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
The best shot in the history of golf
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles