If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.