If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
what?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.