Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.