If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
good work, everybody
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Worth the read.
