Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children