If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
You Might Also Like
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
hi why am I like this
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
out-housing market appears to be strong
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist