if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
mom had nothing to worry about
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that