If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Netflix: We have Less
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.