If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.