Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

(Gaming support cat.)

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.